Handling the Passive Agressive Person

dealing-with-pa-people-002-fake-smile

Last Thursday, we talked about the Passive agressive person and why they are the way they are.

Today, we are going to discuss what you can actually do to help diffuse their manner of communication.

As I told you in Thursday’s post, a passive agressive person has great difficulty in expressing their true feelings, opinions, and emotions if they think that expressing it would lead to your liking them less.

It is of tantamont importance to them to be perceived of as nice and likeable. So much so that they would rather suppress their feelings to the point of misery, rather than have you not be super happy with them and think they are the greatest.

So you can understand just how frustrated they are. And, even resentful.

If you find that your friend, family member or co worker is silently sabatoging you, or, obstructing your progress, you may want to ask them if there is something that they are upset about.

Now I can tell you right now, that most of the time, they will sweetly smile and say “no, nothing’. And the truth is, it is probably going to take some time before they truly feel safe enough to share any discontent that they have with you. The key to all of this is to get them to trust you. You need to make them feel safe in sharing what is bothering them. Profusely assure them that you will feel so much more comfortable if they tell you when something is bothering them. And if you are very sure that they are smoldering inside over something you did, then tell them! Candidly tell them that you can feel the tension, even though they aren’t saying anything, and then let them know how unhappy that makes you.

Tell them that you will like them better if they are open and transparent, and that you won’t like them as much if they hide and deny. Yes, you need to point blank tell them this.

Are you living with, working with, or dealing with a passive agressive person right now? I would love to hear your comments.

Advertisements

Personality Thursday…The Passive Agressive.

switching-out-bulbs-image-537x331

Last week we talked about the Backstabber who did so for personal gain.

But that’s not the only kind. Some people do mean things behind your back when they are a passive agressive person.

So what is a passive agressive personality type? Simply put, it’s someone who had trouble voicing their discontent with a decision someone makes, or their annoyance with something someone does.

Passive agressive people have a real need for others to like them. They would rather drink glass shards then risk rejection for standing up for themselves. It is so important for others to like them, that they put up with immense (albeit unintended) mistreatment.

Put a passive agressive together with a tactless, inconsiderate person who has no idea they are offensive, and you are sure to see passive agressive  behavior at it’s best (or should I say, worst).

Here’s how they work:

When a passive agressive person is mad about something, instead of confronting the (often clueless) offender, they simply sabatoge them in an underhanded way.

Question: How many passive agressives does it take to change a light bulb?

answer: One, but, well, it was dark and I couldn’t see real well, and I was tired and, oh dear, oh my, gee I am just SO SORRY but, well, the light bulb broke. Oh, I feel so bad, I know that all of the stores are closed right now. Well, please forgive me, my hand is bleeding and…no, no really. I’ll be alright. Here, maybe I can drive to seven eleven, no really, it’s fine. Are you sure? No really, I’m fine, I can get stitches tomorrow.

As you can see, the passive agressive is a pro at stabbing you behind the back, and yet earning your sympathy–all the while rejoicing at your downfall.

And, yes, a passive agressive person would even rather hurt themselves rather than give in to you.

Have you had to put up with passive agressive behaviour? Would love to hear your comments! (Click here)


And to learn how to make money at internet marketing, click here

Relating with Difficult people

mocker

If you’ve been in business any length of time, you’ve most likely encountered one of these personality types.

The confrontational personality type

The Whiner

Turtle Rock

The Back Stabber

I’d like to address these personality types in greater detail, each Thursday.

Today I want to take some time to talk about what I consider to be one of the most difficult personality types to deal with and I call it, Turtle Rock.

Someone who is turtle rock may also be a whiner or a backstabber, to some degree, but primarily, they are just a really quiet, unassuming soul.

They almost never take the initiative in conversation unless they know you really well, are very amused, or are dealing with an emergency.

I find exceedingly quiet people to be very unnerving. Which is not to say that there aren’t some people with whom I am so comfortable that no dialogue is necessary…at times.

But when you  are interacting on a professional, working level with someone, or especially if you encounter that person every single day on the job, then it is just common courtesy for some basic, every day conversation to transpire.

Now, some quiet people are just really sweet people or are gentle giants. They have a peaceful, loving, accepting aura about them, where you know they care and they don’t need to say anything.

That is NOT what I’m talking about. I’m talking about turtle rock, not turtle dove…and there IS a difference.

Turtle Rock has a distinct vibe about them…. a churning, volatile, hold it in, think it but don’t dare say it energy to them that makes you want to slap them and say, “OK, already….what are you thinking? I know there’s a lot going on in there, care to share?”

Whereas, turtle dove just has a coo coo nuzzle all is well silence.

Even the six foot teddy bears.

There IS a difference. If you have ever worked with someone who seemed like a massive ball of nerves, tucked inside a quiet exterior, than you know what I mean. Some of these types seem like they are about to jump right out of their skin.

And the more you try to loosen them up, the more uncomfortable they become.

While I don’t claim to possess psychiatric skills, I do have a few insights I’ve gleaned over the years.

Here are some of the common denominators I have found

  1. Turtle dove in a glove–this is the person who wants to feel cocooned and sheltered, from all human interaction.  They don’t want to dialgue anymore than is necessary because they take great comfort in their own company. Turtle dove types normally are open to dialogue, and to listening. But this type of turtle rock is like a turtle dove in a glove. They are too wrapped up in themselves to come out of hiding. Whereas the turtle dove type will at least smile, nod and give you a polite loving grunt.
  2. Turtle Rock don’t want no mock (hey, it’s early in the morning as I right this, forgive the corny slogans). Turtle rock don’t want no mock has been hurt real bad, a whole lot of times. They’ve been chicken pecked on the social ladder, or experienced racism, group taunting, or discrimination/persecution of some kind. Some of these types even have a persecution complex, and seem suspicious of any kindness shown them. Show it anyway; unless they act super paranoid.
  3. Turtle rock hanging on the dock. Okay, this type of person is just going through a crisis and they are in shell shock. Often times, if a normally talkative person becomes withdrawn and silent, they are just going through a really hard time.Or, they could be in number 2 mode, after being the subject of office gossip. In either case, give them some space but when the time is rights, say something like ” I notice you’ve beeen kind of quiet lately. If you ever need a friend to talk to, I’m here for you.”
  4. Turtle rock don’t need no glock. Okay, the name says it all. This type is just….creepy…and dangerous. They seem to be sinisterly silent, like someone from the set of “The Godfather”. Which may explain why they are the way they are. Steer clear.

 

 

How to Stand Before Envy

athaliah

Proverbs 27:4 Wrath is cruel, and anger is outrageous; but who is able to stand before envy

So how does someone stand before envy?
Well, let’s just assume that this thing, envy, is a person. No, let’s imagine that this thing envy is any one of four people.

Envy #1 She’s a killer queen.

She demands to be the queen bee. She will let you be number two (maybe) unless you are far too much of a rival. In which case, she will do everything she can to eliminate you.
“Mirror mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” you will never be able to get too close to her, unless you are self-efacing and let her assume a leadership role over you. Who wants that kind of relationship? Steer clear.

Envy #2 She’s insecure.

Or feels inferior. In many of these cases, She would secretly like to be your friend, and wouldn’t even envy you (not so much, anyway) if she were in your circle. Or, maybe, she just is intimidated by your warmth and confidence. Group two types usually are not concerned with being the fairest of them all, they just don’t want to be the dullest.

Envy #3 She’s not really envious in a bad vibe way.

And she doesn’t necessarily admire you as a person. But she does admire your looks, talent, money or success, though she doesn’t necessarily want you not to have those things…she just wishes she had a bit of it herself.

In the case of person number one, you really aren’t wise to try to convince this person to be your friend. And any deposits of kindness you try to invest in her will almost surely be met with scorn and contempt.

If you believe in loving your enemy inspite of their hatred toward you, then I recommend doing acts of kindness behind their back, with no hope of a reward from them. You can always pray for them.

In the case of person number two, I recommend extending the right hand of fellowship to them. Give them heartfelt invitations to join your circle of friends. One very effective way fo winning their trust is to bring a group of others with you when you invite them. Prompt your friends ahead of time to pour on the love and affirmation. This personality type suffers from low self-esteem, and a lack of belonging. Include them and watch their attitude melt away.

Another note: These personality types often find it hard to express themselves and to reach out socially. Let them shine! Invite them into each conversation. It’s important, of course, that you are sincere in your praise. You don’t want to gush or seem cheesy. But yes, heartfelt compliments and asking their opinion, in front of the group, are great ways to ease their self-consciousness and hopefully win a fan for life.

With type number three, you may be dealing with someone who doesn’t even view you as friend material. Be a friend anyway, and you may just find them reaching back for fellowship. In either case, don’t let their lack of interest in you as a friend, or even their resentment ever stop you from being all that you can be.

It’s worth nothing that none of these scenarios completely or even adequately define someone who is fearful that you will encroach upon their favored position with another, particularly someone who thinks their mate would be attracted to you. If they really, really like you, have been friends with you in the past or for some time in the present, then they might opt to keep their friendship with you while at the same time keeping you away from their significant other. But unless there was at one time a friendship between your, or , perhaps, you are a celebrity they’ve always wanted to befriend, then usually they will never decide to be or stay your friend…the risk is far too great.

For example, if someone knew you all throughout high school, and then later reconnected with you at a high school reunion, they might still be your friend provided they could keep you from meeting their spouse. This might be the case in a friendship where you were both close, lost touch, and then reconnected, only for them to find that you were no longer an ugly duckling. Or maybe they had become one. Or maybe neither of you were unattractive, but you had kept your youth whereas they had not. You get the picture.

Romantic relationships are not the only situations this occurs in. Sometimes neighborhood mom’s are secretly rivalrous of one another, and think that the other mom is a hot shot. It only takes one episode of little suzy or johnny coming home from a sleepover declaring that “Mrs. so and so is the greatest”.
Some Moms are insecure about their parenting ability, their kid’s affection for them, or just being “cool” enough.

Work relations

If you work with someone who for no apparent reason can’t stand you, it could be that they think you are a threat to their position or promotion.

Clerical favor (pastor likes me best).

Pray. Oh do pray hard. This may be the most wicked, insidious,, demonic, cut throat envy there is. Think, King Saul and David.

One final Note: Sometimes these dynamics operate on a smaller, less harmful scale. Sibling rivalry is a good example. So are sporting events (though we all know that even childhood sports can escalate from rivalry into adult tantrums). In all cases, the litmus test for the other’s toxicity is the feeling they have toward you personally.

“You’ve got to know when to hold em, know when to fold em, know when to walk away, and know when to run”–sang by Kenny Rogers.

If a woman looks hurt when you walk into a room, and you are drop dead gorgeous, then she deserves your affirmation and compassion.

If a woman looks sideways at you and grabs her husband, then she may warm up to you in the future. You’ll have to prove that you are no threat to her marriage, and not come on to strong in initiating hospitality right away.

But if a woman is throwing daggers with her eyes and is locked in a death stare with you, avoid her completely. She is dangerous.